A perspective & mindset shift healing journey

We all know that a caterpillar starts off as an egg and spends the first part of it’s life eating a ton. When a caterpillar has fully grown, it becomes a chrysalis. The transitional stage before the caterpillar becomes butterfly — from stuck crawling on the ground to freedom and flight.

My hope with this blog is that it finds people that are going through similar situations, grappling with feelings of isolation to know that they’re not alone. I don’t feel right having gone through experiences that have led me to inner knowledge and not share it. We all scour the internet searching for something, and maybe no one will find this post for 2 or 3 years, but I trust that it will come up for those who need to see it at the right time.

I miss who I used to be. Approaching the end of my 20s I started losing who I was. Does this happen to everyone? I know it’s normal to grow and change as we get older. I’d been on a healing and self-acceptance journey for a long time and I’d have moments where I’d feel good, but most of the time I don’t recognize myself anymore. Looking back, I looked and felt so vibrant and alive (the only way to describe it). I’m sure all that glitters was certainly not gold, reminiscing on past relationships and experiences through rose-colored glasses. But the way I felt then compared to now is like day and night. I’m searching for the reason why I feel this way: is it my job? The relationship I’m in? Is it something else in my life? I admit I feel dissatisfied with all of those things at the moment. Does that mean those things aren’t right for me? Like I’m not where I’m supposed to be? I recently heard someone say that depression is your body telling you something’s wrong. When does the fear of change outweigh the dissatisfaction of staying stuck? Furthermore, how does one make those changes?

(Continuing a few days later:) After reflecting for a while, I realized I’d been neglecting myself. Could this be the reason for my lack of motivation or is it vice versa? I also realized I was not showing up as my authentic self. I was hiding who I truly was and not asking for what I needed and one thing was controlling me completely: FEAR. My relationship was chaotic and unstable. As time went on, I had pushed my partner farther and farther away, deeply hurting him in the process. I had adapted to putting on a mask of avoidance and defensiveness in an attempt to keep myself (or my ego) safe. But what for? Little things during the relationship would trigger something deep within me that at the time I did not understand. I just knew I felt hurt and it made me feel like I should put my defenses up. To make matters much worse, I never communicated why I felt hurt (or why I was distant, cold and mean). Over time this led to resentment. Both my partner and I were constantly suffering in pain. It was a constant loop cycle of pain and betrayal of trust from continuously disappointing him. I just could not get it together. The fear and insecurity I felt when it came to communication and intimacy (emotional closeness) was absolutely paralyzing. There were times where during a difficult conversation, I wouldn’t even be able to speak. It’s like my throat would close in on itself and the words just wouldn’t come out. My body trying to compensate some kind of frustrated release, this usually resulted in tears. I so deeply craved connection and closeness, but my instinctual reaction was to guard myself against it.

I became more and more defensive and alienated from my partner. Who wants to put up with that? I feel like a failure. The thing I feared most was rejection and abandonment and that’s exactly what I gave myself through supreme self-sabotage. It was very difficult to understand going through it, but looking back, it’s almost like having an overhead view of a completed puzzle. I can see things more clearly and I’m starting to understand myself better. I’ve said before that I don’t think learning and healing ever ends. So how do I move forward? How do you move forward if you’re in a similar situation? It’s definitely a wake up call. My commitment to my healing journey had fallen by the wayside, but this was something that led me back to myself. I have this feeling that I’m a bad person, but I’m realizing that’s not me. I know I’m a good person, but my experiences have left me feeling undeserving of good things and having a hard time trusting others. I have internalized everything that has been said, done or projected onto me and taken it on as me. I’m learning to unlearn the things that aren’t me so I can begin to show up as the most authentic version of myself.

Reflect and learn what you can from the experience. Heal your nervous system. Delve into shadow work, make your unconscious conscious. Commit to your healing. I’m here for you.

Hummingbirds are who they are

No one can tell you to “just love yourself” and it clicks right away. You have to go through your own experience that leads you to that place of true acceptance.

*Possible trigger warning*

When I was born, I weighed around 5 or 6 pounds, even at full term. Throughout my childhood, I remember being taken to the doctor because my dad always thought I was too petite. Looking back at photos of me, I was. He was the type of parent with high expectations and because of this, I became terrified of letting people down. What also rooted in me was a feeling of shame. I fully embodied the belief that something was wrong with me and that what made me unique made me unloveable, not worthy of acceptance and I think a part of me felt I had to be something else because that version of me was not wanted.

I was generally independent, but social and had friends throughout my teen years. Over time, the perception I had of myself began to change. I remember one time I had gone down to the shops downtown to look for a gift to get my nephew for his birthday. I walked into the shop and there were two people at the counter, along with the owner behind the counter. It was quiet when I entered, except for the music playing over the speaker. It hadn’t even been a full minute of browsing around before I heard one of the two customers say, “Oh my God, she’s so skinny, I can see her bones.” She had said it so purposely loud and I suddenly felt that shame again. It’s hard to recall what exactly happened next, as the event was extremely anxiety-inducing. It’s almost as if it was blocked out of my mind. 

I had mostly lived my life without too much negative focus on my appearance until that point. A part of me started to remember there was something wrong with me. I stopped going out. I started covering up and preferred to keep to myself. I stayed on the sidelines and lost friendships due to my unreliability and isolation. I developed high anxiety and I became a shell of who I once was. Whatever made me the way I was came with a few other symptoms and I became obssessed with finding ways to “fix” myself.

Over the course of about a 10 year period, I saw doctors, dermatologists, and at one point, I even tried to get a referral to see a gastroenterologist. After my request for a referral was denied, I think I sort of lost faith in conventional Western medicine. I realized that a lot of the time, most doctors tend to only treat symptoms, when I wanted to get to the root cause. I didn’t know for sure, but I had a nagging suspicion that anything I was experiencing was rooted in something else. No one had been able to give me any true clues of what was going on with me, so I took matters into my own hands. (Not recommended.) And I thought, I knew my body better than anyone. So I began experimenting. I tried different products — supplements, herbs, probiotics, you name it. I tried different diets. Maybe it was candida. A parasite? I slowly removed sugar, carbs, dairy, even certain meats. By the end of that whole jouney, I was only left eating veggies and severely underweight. But still, my symptoms persisted. I know this all sounds really crazy and extreme, but at the time, I was so desperate to find something to help me “heal” and feel better about myself.

I’ve spent the better part of almost a decade trying to “fix” myself, and I finally realize that there is nothing really wrong with me. I am physically different, smaller than average, and standing out is a bit lonely, but I’m grateful that I’m not like everyone else. Because of the pain and sadness I’ve lived with for so long, I’ve developed a different perspective of the world that I think most people just don’t have. Something a little shameful for me to admit, but a huge motivator for why I put myself through all that I did, I now realize is because I was caught up in seeking other people’s approval of me. Who I was in the world was different and people have been unkind. How other people sometimes treated me caused my self-worth to diminish and I believed I was not valuable. All these encounters along the way of life sort of cemented in that initial belief that I was brought up with, that “something is wrong with me”. It wasn’t until recently that I realized how people treat you is more of a reflection of themselves than it has anything to do with you. Yes, you may be different and that makes people uncomfortable sometimes. But how they respond to you is a projection of their own insecurities onto you. You attract the frequency you vibrate on. Other people feeling insecure within themselves was a reflection of how I felt about myself. Feeling triggered is my body/soul telling me something needs to be healed. Everyone is a mirror and we’re all helping each other heal, whether we realize it or not.

I am starting to love and accept myself as I am. I feel like self-love and healing are a never-ending journey, but that’s the beautiful thing about growth. We have the ability to continuously reinvent ourselves. Change can sometimes be scary, but have faith that there’s light at the end of the tunnel. It can’t rain all the time.

Capricorn Moon and Inevitable Depression

The Moon, being the planet of emotion; representing the mind and the mother, is in detriment in the sign of Capricorn. It’s natural ruler, Cancer, is where it thrives.

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The moon rules Cancer, and it’s opposite sign is Capricorn. Oppositions in astrology create a bit of tension and a feeling of not quite being on the same page, even though they actually have a lot of similarities. Naturally, the opposite sign of any ruling planet has this sense of being uncomfortable about it, creating a “detriment” in it’s expression. Having a Capricorn moon is definitely an interesting experience. It can make you seem sad and serious, especially if you have it in the first house. In a nutshell, the moon in astrology represents your emotional responses, your mind, your mother. The Moon is an unconscious planet based on instinct. It’s not logical, it’s feeling. Many have attributed it to being one’s true nature, you at the core. It’s a hidden planet that’s characteristics are typically only known to people you have intimate relationships with — family, friends, partners, etc. Capricorn is an earth sign, ruled by the planet Saturn. It’s modality is cardinal, meaning it takes on leadership roles and it’s comfortable as a self-starter. Earth sign domain is the material aspect of life. Wealth, career and creating stability are important points. The planet Saturn is icy, cold and distant. Saturn is all about karma, restriction, responsibility, can be harsh and has little regard for emotions in any situation.

As you can imagine, even if you know nothing about astrology, Saturn’s influence on the moon can make one really uncomfortable with both feeling and expressing emotions. Capricorn moons likely grew up in an environment where they were expected to take on some level of responsibility from an early age. Whether this was often being placed in charge of siblings or helping to raise them or being expected to contribute financially to the family. Expectations from others can be very high; it can seem like Saturn is really testing these moons and their ability to succeed in all that is thrown on them. Saturn loves to challenge you, it’s what he does. But I attribute it to the fact that Capricorn moons are resilient and sometimes take on the responsibility just to test their limits. They can feel that they’re never doing enough.

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There’s a restriction of emotional expression and affection that come with this placement. With Saturn being such a detached planetary influence, the inclination of the moon taking on this quality is a given. Their level of expression can be limited and their interactions can seem very cold and professional, almost businesslike. I’ve had several Capricorn moons share that they feel uncomfortable with hugs or physical affection, even from family members. Emotional outbursts from others can make them feel awkward. This would be considered more of the lower functioning nature of a Capricorn moon that still is in a stage of evolution. Normally a Capricorn moon would never allow themselves to have an outburst of any kind. They are always very cool and collected, but by no means does this equate to Capricorn moons being unfeeling creatures. I think many people believe Capricorn moons are heartless and cold because that’s what tends to be projected onto the world. This isn’t always far from the truth in some cases, but most have the capacity to feel very deeply. Although, their stoic outward expression would never let on.

The depression settles in when they feel heavy and weighed down. Somewhat of a somber state is what I would consider a Capricorn moon’s natural mood. There are always exceptions in astrology of course and aspects to the moon can definitely change this for the better. But when I think of a Capricorn moon, the first thoughts that come to mind are sarcasm and cynicism with a dry sense of humor. It can be difficult for some of them to feel satisfied with where they are, what they have and also to maintain a state of happiness. It’s almost as if they are in love with a feeling of melancholy. This is because the serious energy of Saturn is what they can feel most comfortable in. They can be labeled as pessimists, when they are actually realists that see things for what they are, not for what they want them to be. Sure, this is depressing as hell, but we all need someone to ground us into reality. I have a friend who is a double Capricorn, sun and moon. He has always been very practical and has never failed to give me advice from a logical perspective, which I appreciate. I’m usually too impulsive to think things through.

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Always keeping everything inside can feel dark and burdensome. Capricorn moons tend to feel like they have to keep it together for everyone. They’re the strong ones, they feel like everyone is counting on them. Without hesitation, they will take on more work shifts and responsibilities when asked of them, even if they already have obligations occupying their time and energy. But they can handle the pressure. Saturn is tough, remember? Capricorn moons will keep people at a distance, even pushing them away when they feel someone managing to slip in. One of their major learning points is becoming more open and warm with others. They are afraid of being hurt and they are even more afraid of failure. Letting another person down or not feeling enough are huge issues for Capricorn moon people. Where some other zodiac signs might experience heart break or disappointment mainly in regard to romantic situations, success is everything for Capricorn moons. But it’s this same pressure to succeed that really drives them.

A depressed Capricorn moon is unmotivated and irritable. Their productivity plummets and their desire to accomplish tasks is no longer driving them. Grounding is important for all earth signs, and a helpful way to get them back into their nature would be to spend time in it. The moon is one of the most important placements in astrology and even though it’s in detriment here, Saturn offers an abundance of opportunities to grow.

Neptune in the First House and an Uncertain Identity

Neptune and the 12th house where it rules, are never fully understood.

Having a planet such as Neptune in one’s first house of the physical body and identity can make things feel cloudy and uncertain. The first house correlates with the sign of Aries, and it’s focus is much on the self. Planets existing within this house have a personal and profound effect on the chart holder, being that it is literally you in material form. Neptune is dreamy and mystical just as much as he is a master of illusion, relating to Pisces and the last house on the astrological wheel. People with Neptune on the ascendant or first house cusp usually have physical features and personality characteristics associated with the sign of Pisces. Their eyes can be glossy with heavy eyelids, sleepy and distant. They are sympathetic, understanding and enjoy helping others. They can seem quite spacey or “spaced out” and daydream often, spending a lot of time creating elaborate fantasies of alternate realities. Personally, I’ve found that I tend to sometimes blank out or dissociate when I’m feeling overwhelmed. Grounding exercises would likely be beneficial in helping bring them back into reality and the present moment.

People observing from the outside may view the Neptune individual in an inaccurate way since planet Neptune can often dissolve and distort things, leaving them vulnerable to people projecting their ideals onto them. The individual may then feel an obligation to fulfill the role another has placed on them to maintain the illusion. When it becomes shattered, others around them may be left feeling deceived. There can be several reasons a Neptunian might go along with other people’s perceptions of them — most of which are because they want things to be peaceful. I’ve also noticed that Neptunians tend to be chameleons that are easily able to adopt the qualities of people around them, especially if they find themselves idealizing a person.

 

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Planet Neptune occupying the first house of a natal chart

 

One of the many gifts Neptune bestows upon Pisceans and other individuals influenced by the planet is a psychic ability. They can be mediums and energy healers; but regardless of whether or not they have the ability to see other dimensions or into the future, their intuition is always on point. They can be like a sponge — extremely sensitive to the environment they are in and can feel the moods and energy of others. It’s important for them to surround themselves with people that have their best interest at heart. Neptune risings are kind and gentle, preferring to avoid confronation. They are compassionate and accepting of others and can easily be taken advantage of. They can be overly giving of their time, resources and themselves, even when it’s not deserved. They are usually selfless individuals that sacrifice their own needs for the well-being of others because they have a desire to help people and want to make others happy. Some unevolved Neptunians can be prone to doing things in an unethical way where they expect to receive something out of their good deed, but I believe most have positive intentions and do things from their heart.

Since they are naturally so open to psychic influence, they can feel easily drained and their body usually requires more sleep than the average person. Neptune in the first house individuals may also be prone to mysterious illnesses of the body that are difficult to diagnose. I’ve also noticed sensitivities of the skin and within the body to stimulants, alcohol and even an intolerance to certain foods.

 

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“I am the combined effort of everyone I’ve ever known.” – Chuck Palahniuk

 

A downside of this placement is a confusion or lack of individual identity. With a constant influx of psychic information coming in from their environment, Neptunians can feel lost and unsure of what belongs to them and what belongs to someone else. It’s easy for them to be what other people want them to be. With Neptune being a watery and unstable planet, it can also create difficulty in defining and carrying out goals for the individual. It may take them longer than most to identify their talents, and even when they do realize they have a particular inclination to something, they may doubt their abilities or lack the confidence to proceed. As the ascendant in astrology directly deals with the moment of birth, and the first house is the beginning of your chart, Neptune’s confusion may cast a cloud over one knowing where they came from. I don’t believe it’s a common theme for this placement to make everyone’s birth circumstances unusual, but there could be an element of uncertainty as it relates to their personal identity within their family. For instance, not having a knowledge of family history or background, which can feel isolating.

Not having a concrete idea of who you are or what you’re meant to be can provide you with opportunities to explore and grow through different experiences. As you learn about yourself, you could gain a greater understanding of everything around you. I hope this resonated with those of you that have Neptune in the first house and provided insight to others learning astrology. I’ll be exploring more with you soon, but in the meantime, I’d really enjoy reading your own experiences with this placement, so please feel free to comment!